This is a really tough blog post for me and I have written it on a particularly bad day for me. I will tell you what depression feels like for me. It is my experience and is not meant to say that this is everyone's experience.
Depression feels like a weight on my chest, which brings me down everywhere I go. I feel like a failure as a person, as a man and as a friend. It feels like I am letting everyone down. Depression is smiling when others laugh, hiding behind a smiling mask, and wishing I could just disappear. People don’t know I suffer this way because they see my smiling face and assume everything is okay. Quite often everything is fine but not always. Today is a tough day, I have let everything get to me and even the slightest thing feels like a punch in the stomach. On days like this I push everyone away. I send messages to people saying please don't message me or contact me again. I genuinely mean this at the time and definitely want people to leave me alone. I am sure people will think this is self pity and to a certain extent they are right but at the heart of it is I don't feel like I have enough energy or worth to have friends. Why would anyone want to be friends with someone like me? People have busy lives and why would anyone want to spend time with me
What has made this day so bad? Well its hard to say, I do know I had a very good weekend away at a country music festival and maybe this is a post festival low. It feels more than that, I feel very lethargic and writing this blog is an attempt to maybe try and shake myself out of this frame of mind. I was supposed to be running this evening and I have cancelled with a lame excuse that I don't feel very well. I suppose that is true I don't feel very well but it is not a physical illness it is a mental one. At the moment I couldn't care less if I ever run again. My running recently has not been the normal uplifting thing that it has been in the past. I feel lonely out on runs even if I am with people. Just the thought of running again makes me want to cry, it used to be something I looked forward to, it was something that I was okay at. Recent difficult runs have made me doubt whether I should do it. If I am getting to a point where I can't stand up straight then I question whether it is good for me. People that know me will know I always give everything and I would find it difficult running without having the thought of trying for a PB or finishing in a particular time.
The title of the blog post is "What not to say to someone who has depression". I think this is an interesting topic as people are probably thinking that they are trying to help. I will try and explain why each of the things feels wrong to me. I am not saying this from any viewpoint other than my lived life. I am not a mental health expert other than I have mental health issues. Some of these points have been picked up from research but there are a lot that come from people saying these things to me.
Big Disclaimer: If you think that you might have said some of these things to me, please don't take it personally. I have thought long and hard about this and whether posting about it will upset people when all they have done is to try help me. None of these things have ever been said with the intention of hurting me or upsetting me. I absolutely believe that people say things to me out of the goodness of their heart and they think it will help. But my depressed mind sometimes sees it differently. If you are worried about whether you have said these things just ask me. I will be honest. I still believe that openness and honesty are the traits I value the most.
You have so many things to be thankful for, why are you depressed? - This was said to me during my first bad period of depression. It was said in the context that my daughter was getting married and was said by a relative. It is not that I don't know I have a lot to be thankful for. I know that there are great things that will happen in my life (I am massively looking forward to the birth of my first grandchild). These things are in my future and not what I am feeling at the moment. What someone's life looks like on the outside doesn't always reflect, or change, how they feel on the inside.
You are not depressed you are just looking for sympathy and for people's response? - Depression is not a choice matter. I don't wake up in the morning and say "I will be depressed today and maybe people will feel sorry for me". This phrase is deeply hurtful as it turns what is for me a deeply upsetting situation into something where I am being told that it isn't real. So this type of comment has the effect of making everything worse and that people don't actually care. People who have read my blog will know that I have already enough issues without inventing a few more. Yes, on reflection seeking attention / sympathy is part of it, but only because it is a cry for help. When I share my inner thoughts and problems with you you should see this as a massive compliment as I trust you. While sharing these things is probably dumping a lot of stuff you don't want to hear, offering comfort rather than doubting the sincerity of my feelings is what I want. Arguing that I am seeking attention only confirms my feelings of inadequacy and loneliness.
It's all in your head!!! - Well I suppose that is true but I do know that. I know that my mind is making me like this but that comment seeks to take something that is deeply upsetting and trivializes it to a point where I should just be able to put it to one side. Depression fills your mind to such an extent that even someone being nice to me makes me feel worse. It is perverse but my mind turns that niceness to me thinking that they are not genuine in their concern.
There are a lot of people worse off than you - Yes there are a lot of people far worse off than me. I know this and I have never said that what I am feeling negates any other problems, health issues, money problems or worries that others have. They are however real to me and they affect my every day life. So yes, my issues are relatively trivial to the outside world but to me they seem insurmountable. Having depression is not a competition ie "My problems are worse than your etc.". Everyone has their own problems and I would never seek to minimize anyone else's issues and I do care about everyone in my life. Implying that someone with depression doesn't care about other people gives no comfort and adds fuel to the feelings of blame, shame, and guilt. People who experience depression still care about others. This is something that I do; I give of myself without thought of the cost that it will cause to my mental health.
There is nothing I can do to help you - Nothing is further from the truth. When a depressed person hears this phrase they will feel hurt and abandoned and in turn this makes them feel resentful. I know that people have their own problems and maybe what I am going through is nowhere near as bad as what they are experiencing but just a simple message asking "how are you doing?" will make a big difference in their lives. I know in the past I care deeply about what others are going through and I have always reached out. I know it may be difficult but sometimes those tiny nice things will help both people. We are not on this earth alone so we need to be there for each other even when it is hard to do that or its inconvenient.
You'll get over it - Yes I am sure I will get over it but at the moment I am in the mire trying my best just to keep going. You may feel like you're offering hope by saying that, eventually, things will get better, but a person who is depressed may be frustrated wondering how long they will have to wait. I have been heading towards this depressive episode since late last year. I am seeking help and there have been good days but I am far from being "over it". I know that this is upsetting for my family and I wish I could be magically over it but I am not!!!
Go out and have some fun - People who suffer with depression will understand how difficult this is. When I am depressed all I want to do is hide in a corner and tell everyone to leave me alone. Fun is the last thing on your mind. Feelings of worthlessness fill your mind and you don't believe you deserve to have any fun plus there is a feeling of lethargy that prevents you from wanting to do anything. Writing this blog post is helping me as it is a way I can vent my feelings and to be honest I know so few people read my blog that it feels almost like an anonymous rant line.
You need help. Go to a doctor or a professional - Excellent advice as this is probably true and I have sought help from my GP but someone contacting you about their mental health is not asking for help from a stranger but from YOU. You might not be an expert, but you can try your best to be supportive and comforting by simply listening. Telling me to get help suggests that you personally don’t care for them and don’t want to bothered. Seeking help from GPs and other professional healthcare is not personal they have no investment in your life, it is their job so although they are important if someone has reached out then they are after YOUR help.
Can’t you see how much you mean to everyone? Everyone loves you - I have heard this numerous times and I don't doubt peoples sincerity at the time. The depressed mind compartmentalizes people into those who will always be there and those who are just passing through your life. When I am depressed I move people from the former to the latter as it just seems easier only having to deal with a few people. So I go into self destruct mode and push people away. In my mind these people would not care a single bit if they never spoke or interacted with me again. I will send messages saying don't message or contact me again. I have been deliberately not messaging people. The quote "stop messaging first and see how many dead plants you’ve been watering" sums this up well. I do know that people have impossibly busy lives and messaging me is low on their priorities and this is fine. To my depressed mind it just feels likes they don't care and are in fact "dead plants". In reality in someone else's world me not messaging means that I am a "dead plant" to them. When I look back there are people in my past that I was once very close with but I am no longer in contact with. I miss those people but do they miss me? My depressed mind says that they don't care and that will happen time and time again. They will just think I was "Someone I used to know". All I will be that miserable old git who didn't know how to be a friend.
You can't be depressed you always seem to be smiling - I have heard this so many times. It is simply not true. I think people with depression are just great actors. I think Robin Williams said so much about depression and another of his quotes was "All it takes is a beautiful fake smile to hide an injured soul and they will never notice how broken you really are". People do see me as a happy person and when I am not depressed that is probably true. However, when I am depressed I have a beautiful fake smile.
I am sure there are many other things I could write about but I am starting to feel very tired and typing all this has a mental drain on me. I do know that I will get better and I will never do anything silly. I am choosing my words carefully as my last post got me a Facebook ban. Thank you for reading.
Thank you for taking the time and huge effort to write all this. I hope it is helpful to put it in writing, as you said. I wrote you an email after reading your last post. I hope you saw it. As the email address was one I wasn't familiar with, I doubted, of course, that it got to you.
As I've said before, I try to not repeat the trite phrases people use when they encounter a depressed friend. Those are all rubbish and useless. But I do often feel useless to help my friend. I'm glad to know listening is a good and welcome response because that's something I can do well. :)
As always, praying for you…