This is a tough post for me as it tries to explain what it is like for ME living with MY stroke. I decided to write this after a particularly bad day when things got to me more than usual and I let the facade that I put up slip.
This is what I feel my life is like. I get out of bed every morning, breathe in and out all day long and then after a while I won't have to remind myself to get out of bed in the morning and breathe in and out and then eventually I won't have to think about how I used to be before my stroke. But that never will happen because as sure as day follows night I will always be a stroke survivor. I will always have days when I can't get the thoughts right in my head; I will always live my life with a half view of the world; I will always live in fear of having another stroke; I will always be thinking how I can fool everyone to believe I am fine. Some days people can see that I am having a harder time than normal but those are the days that I am struggling to hide what I am going through.
I am a cheerful person and that hasn't changed since my stroke. I enjoy a laugh and a joke the same as anyone, but now it's different. Gone is the cheerful chap always ready with a witticism or a supportive comment. He has been replaced with an imposter trying to be like he used to be. Generally I am cheerful but that is sometimes a mask I wear to hide what's happening inside. To use a Robin Williams quote "I think the saddest people always try their hardest to make people happy because they know what it’s like to feel absolutely worthless and they don’t want anyone else to feel like that." This sounds awful but in there is a terrible truth in that quote. I don't feel depressed although I am sure this post may give that impression. What I am feeling at the moment is worthless. I have been liv
ing with the impact of my stroke for coming up to 5 years and being honest I am no better than I was a few months after my stroke. What has improved is that I am able to pretend better.
The majority of people will look at this post and just pass by it without so much as a single thought, others will look at it and think "Oh David is wallowing in self pity - just get over it". Yet there are people in my life who will read this post and be affected by it, these are the people who are important to me and who I care about. It's these people I will always try the hardest for but I know that they are the people I can show my real side to without fear of judgement or them feeling sorry for me. They know that I face struggles but accept me for who I am and not some image that I'm trying to project.