The 17th April 2021 is my 5th birthday - it is 5 years since I suffered my stroke so I am 5 new years old. For some reason this appears to be a more important anniversary to me. Is it because studies look at survival rates in stages i.e. 1 year and then 5 years? Is it because it’s half a decade? Is it that when you have a child the 5th birthday seems a key landmark? I don’t really have an answer to this but for me it seems more significant than the fourth anniversary or any previous ones. Over the last few weeks I have been thinking a lot about my stroke and whether my life is better or worse than it was before my stroke. Again I am not sure what the answer to this is. I know that fitness wise I am the fittest I have ever been. I run faster and further than before my stroke. I do know that there are lots of things I cannot do that I did before my stroke. I still am not allowed to drive; I struggle with things that require executive functioning; I still have “fuzzy days” where it’s difficult to think properly; I still forget lots of things; I still bump into things if I am not careful. I still have days when communication is difficult. So in essence I am not better than I was before my stroke. Am I better than I was in the few weeks after my stroke? The answer is a definite yes. Am I better than I was a year ago? This is where I find the answer tough. I am not to any appreciable extent and that is sad. I know people say to me you are looking so healthy and I understand that I might look well from the outside and it is nice to hear but people don't see what's inside me, they don't see the struggles I face each day. I have said many times to people that I wish they could experience 10 minutes in my brain then they would understand the struggles that I have 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I think not only would they stop saying "you look well" they would think "How does he keep going dealing with all that". I am not saying that I better than anyone but maybe a bit of understanding would make people reflect on what it is like living with a number of disabilities. I do appreciate that everyone faces their own challenges and I am not trying to say what I face is anymore challenging than what others deal with in their lives. I am sure I would also struggle with what other people have to cope with.
Probably the biggest challenge I face is dealing with my emotions, I have been struggling with these for the last 5 years. Generally I am on a fairly even keel - helped I am sure by the antidepressants that I take. Even with them I still have bad days for inexplicable reasons. I think that being in lockdown for so long has not helped with this. I have found the lockdown since late last year particularly difficult. Not seeing the children very much has been difficult and the feeling of isolation caused by working at home. Having caught Covid quite badly also fed into my poor emotional state. I have been quite limited in who I am able to run with and the disappointment of not running with people is tough. I am gregarious by nature so this isolation has been hard to deal with. I don’t want you to think that I am really struggling with these emotions because I am not, it’s just from time to time I have low days when I would rather curl up in a ball than engage with anyone. On those days all I crave is contact from others but I will never ask for it, I just wallow.
To celebrate (I am not sure that’s then right word) my 5th birthday I am going to run a half marathon. I debated about running it by myself as it would be time for me to reflect on how my life has changed since I ran that 10k race 5 years ago. Doing a 10k seemed to be an easy option as that is something I do regularly. A half marathon is more of a challenge and if I ran this by myself I could think how much stronger I am. I decided that this was too self indulgent and risked me going into a bit of a downward mood. So I am running it with the running group I feel so at home with. Finding the Running Buddies has been a big positive for me. They look after me if I am struggling and always make sure I am safe. They don’t see my disabilities as disabilities but as just challenges that I overcome. It won’t be a fast run as that’s not the point, it is to run with some special friends.
So as I turn 5 stroke years old I want to say HAPPY STROKE BIRTHDAY DAVID. I hope that throughout the next 5 years I will continue to fight against all this stroke throws at me and to come out with a smiling face.
I wrote all of the above paragraphs yesterday but this bit is written on the morning of my 5th birthday. It is an emotional day, I am feeling like I could cry any minute. Why is this I should be happy not sad? I guess I have a lot of time by myself to reflect before my run and as I have very little to do all I can think about is that day 5 years ago. It is just another day the same as the 1,826 days since my stroke. I have survived everyone of those days so what have to worry or get upset about.