This is a difficult post to make as it describes a very difficult few days. I decided that I would run a parkrun. It was less than a month since my stroke. Physically I was feeling okay and thought that running would be a good step forward. I had checked out with my GP if it was okay to run and he agreed as long as I didn't push myself too hard and stopped if I needed to. I had arranged for someone from parkrun to be my guide both for eyesight purposes and also to slow me down to a easy pace. We agreed that 35 minutes for 5k would be about right.
The run itself was great and I completed it in just over 34 minutes. It was my slowest ever parkrun but it was my biggest accomplishment. When I came into the finish area all my parkrun friends were waiting to cheer me in. I was on cloud nine as I was back running and there were people who cared enough to wait to cheer me in. I felt okay, a bit tired, but no ill effects at all. I think Stephanie was relieved that I was okay and I had lots of positive comments and people saying I was brave. I didn't feel brave as it was a simple thing to do. In retrospect I understand why people thought that, as the last time I had run I had a stroke.
I have described this as a difficult post and so far all I have described is very positive. The difficulty comes with the reaction to the run. I was fine the rest of the day although I did feel quite tired. It started to be difficult in the evening when I had a feeling of overwhelming tiredness. I went to bed early but the fatigue got worse and worse. It got to such a stage that I could not have cared if I woke up the next morning. I almost expected to die that night. It is not that I wanted to, it was just that I couldn't care. It's a strange thing to describe having fatigue that great that you have more or less given up. I was not unhappy or sad so it was not something relating to depression. I would not anyone to think that I wanted to die but the feeling of fatigue was so great that it seemed inevitable that I would not wake up.
The next morning I woke up and although I was feeling a bit better I still couldn't do much because of the fatigue. I didn't tell anyone about the previous night as there didn't seem much point as I was still alive. The next evening the same thing happened and the fatigue got worse and worse. This cycle repeated for three nights. I gradually felt better during the day but the nights were a real struggle.
I really understand what it is like to have fatigue. No disrespect to anyone who says they have fatigue but until you get to a point where you genuinely don't care whether you live or die then you don't truly understand what it's like. I have struggled with fatigue from my diabetes but this fatigue was on a level greater than I can adequately explain.
I made the decision that it would be a long time before I would run a parkrun again. I wanted to be involved as parkrun is an important part of my life. I decided that I would volunteer as this would keep me involved but not risk getting that fatigued again.
There have been lots of inspirational quotes that I have seen posted on the Internet. After this experience one of the quotes I saw was the one below and has become the name of the blog.
I am determined to come through this experience so even though things may not be easy I am determined to come out of the experience a stronger person. The battles that each of us face day by day determine the person we become. I don't want to be known as a stroke victim I want to be defined as a stroke survivor. Getting stronger in my inner self is the key to becoming a stronger person. My stroke’s job is to push me backwards, on bad days the stroke is winning on good days the opposite is true and I become stronger. At the moment the stroke is in charge and I am on the losing side, as time goes by I am confident that the better days will outweigh the bad days. When this happens I will be winning.
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